I believe the most important ingredients to good therapy include a trusting therapeutic relationship and creating a space that is safe, encouraging, and that promotes an attitude of curiosity, rather than judgment and criticism. Being able to talk about not only your troubles, but whatever comes freely to mind, is not only healing in and of itself, but also helps me to understand the world you have been living, allows me to notice things that might be at the edge of your awareness, and allows us to reflect creatively on the barriers in and possibilities for your life. Most of the time people are not aware of the ways that they avoid truly opening up to others and instead, unconsciously do things to keep sides of themseleves hidden—not only from others, but from themselves. Pushing these things out-of-sight and out-of-mind keeps us shut off from feelings and sides of ourselves that we might find painful, but when explored deeply in the safety of therapy, can make the root of our struggles and the path for healing clear.

I will lend you my curiosity, extend my compassion, and help you to see that your experiences - whether they are your problematic thoughts and feelings, or just whatever you happen to be feeling and thinking in the moment - deserve to be explored and taken seriously. Within this secure and supportive atmosphere we will begin to explore, and eventually relax, the barriers that keep you from a new and more complete view of the person you're capable of becoming. At times therapy can take the form of very natural conversations; other times it could be deeply emotional as we explore key life moments, dreams, or aspects of the therapy relationship; and yet we’ll often encounter spontaneity, genuineness, and humor.

I believe many of the barriers at the root of our struggles are expressed Relationally. What this means is that, whether we suffer from depression, anxiety, or whatever else, we unconsciously attempt to influence our relationships to some extent in order to maintain a familiar sense of ourselves, the world, and others. Paradoxically, it is this attempt to repeat familiar patterns that also results in our suffering. I emphasize the importance of the therapeutic relationship even more than most therapists and also focus more on how your struggles show-up in relationships. Relationships are like mirrors of what is going on inside of ourselves, whether they are with your family or with me in session. It is through paying attention to relationships that we will gain understanding of your issues and you will gain new and freeing experiences of yourself and others.

Additionally, I pay attention to how cultural values, expectations, and events are contributing to your suffering. There can be many unspoken cultural rules or expectations that we abide by without even knowing, because we grow up with these beliefs or because we live in-between two or more cultures. Sometimes, even though we have healthy goals or dreams, they come into conflict with these cultural expectations, yet we do not realize this is what is causing our grief – we blame ourselves instead. I can help you sort out these values and find a harmony between what you need and your commitment to others and society.

To experience relief and support

People who engage in Relational therapy tend to experience relief in learning there is a reason for their suffering and through gaining a more realistic understanding of what is and has been in their control and what is not and has not. They also feel so freed and relieved to have an experience with another who helps them put things into perspective, rather than attacking their behaviors, thoughts, and decisions.

A new sense of self, a stronger tendency to reflect on painful thoughts and feelings and manage them, and a more meaningful sense of others and the world

Overall, people who engage in Relational therapy tend to relate to themselves and others in more fulfilling ways over time. They come to appreciate their own unique struggles and successes, as well as the struggles and successes of others. They become curious about the ripples and waves in life rather than sunken by them. And they become people who can tolerate and make sense of painful experiences in order to find the wisdom necessary to resolve life struggles.

Adolescents tend to take a longer time to feel comfortable enough to open up in therapy, so developing the type of relationship that leads to the types of changes you hope for in your child is a large part of the work. Oftentimes, teens also do not find direct psychological interpretations of thoughts, feelings and behaviors helfpul. This means there is more use of metaphor and storytelling, but most importantly, modeling patience, curiosity and contemplation, especially toward their most defensive and provocative behaviors. These types of alternative responses (to their attempts to elicit familiar or expected reactions from others), not only helps them to relax their defenses toward others but toward themselves, so they can be more in touch with how their feelings and what’s going on in their lives go together. This results in a child who can slow down, get a handle on their thoughts and feelings, and ultimately realize their needs so they can go about getting them met in non-distressing ways.

Child therapy is significantly different than therapy with teens or adults. Children have very little awareness of what drives their feelings and behavior and do not often have a strong ability to express these things. Children also have a very low tolerance for discomfort and confrontation in therapy. This is what makes a less verbal form of therapy, like play therapy, a more effective approach for children. Children use play to organize experience and gain mastery over feelings. The therapist follows along with the play while identifying prominent feelings and themes. More importantly is how the therapist reacts to the child’s attempts to elicit familiar reactions from the therapist, whether it is disappointment or complacency. By consistently meeting these attempts by the child with a thoughtful reaction, it can help break children from these cycles.

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